I am RJ Horner, Host and curator in the Den of Pride.
I’m a Bus driver by profession, because that’s what you do right? You get a get a good job, get good grades in school, work hard to earn a good living.
Bullshit! I’d hardly call it living.
This is not living, at least not a living I want, much longer. I am not in it the way I used to be. It is a living that I am proud of though. I work for a company that has a strong reputation and does a damn good job in a major metropolis. It is a job someone could be proud of, I used to be, but that is just not satisfying me anymore.
I was once happy when I started this job. I was happy to be working for such a prominent company. After all, I had earned it. I had worked my way up, putting in my share of the worst of the lot; working nights, working for $7, $10, $12, doing what it took to earn a living on whatever job I was qualified for. I earned my right to be here. I gained my B license, then became a driving instructor for B & E licenses. I trained school bus drivers. I was proud then.
When I first started my job I was proud, and happy to be there, finally I had achieved my place. Because I was happy, I sent people off on their day with a smile & a kind word. I truly cared for my passengers and it showed.
Life was great. I had a great job, for great pay, with benefits, life insurance and a pension. I had made it. I WAS PROUD! That was demonstrated in my attitude and my behaviour.
Soon though, something changed.
Life changed, and it hit me, hard. Life got really-hard, really-fast. It began to go quickly down hill. Soon things would get well beyond my control. If you stay with me, you will learn more about the strangling, stress-filled down turn that life took on. I may never tell the whole story, it’s not exactly mine to tell, yet you will learn the struggles and the pain that I went through. Things got tough, impossibly hard to deal with.
Life has a way of working itself out, but at the time I couldn’t see that, I couldn’t see it that way. When you are blindsided, you are blinded by life, by all the terrible and viscous things that are circling your life right now.
These are your problems and they just won’t go away. At the time, I was sad, depressed, and angry…very angry.
I was the one who had changed. My personality had changed.
At the time I was a very angry man.
Angry with my life.
Angry with the world, for putting me there.
Angry at anyone and everyone…
…except myself, the one person who needed to bare the responsibility.
That anger would affect everyone and everything around me. It would take over my life. It would soon have life falling apart, people were pushing me away and I was in danger of losing the one person who chose to support me through all life’s battles.
Resulting from life’s failings, my job began to change.
I began struggling through my job, getting in trouble far too often. It became a normal occurrence. I was always being disciplined. I began to feel disillusioned at work and no longer wanted to be there. I still don’t, to this day I must say.
Finding myself dissatisfied and disillusioned, the job and the difficulties in my life began to change me. I wanted more. I was bored with my job and angry with my life. Began to get angry with those around me.
This went on for a long time. Frustrated & angry that I was not living up to my potential, yet not taking any action toward the betterment that I so desired. Questioning, wondering, stammering through this period of turmoil, but not finding answers because the questions I asked were not worth answering.
For a long time, I had to struggle with the fact that if I hoped to grow then I would have to make the changes to become better myself. I would need to work on me, because as my boss put it at the time, “If there seems to be a consistent problem, you might need to consider where the problem is.”
I was the problem!
When I began to understand that, I began to accept responsibility for myself…for who I was. That was the changing factor in my life.
Asking the right questions, because I was now blaming the right person.
I am RJ Horner!
I know who I am!
I know where I am going!
I know what I am doing to get there!
Join me in the DEN OF PRIDE!
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